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Let's Talk About Sex

How to Communicate With Your Lover About Sex

If you ever read sex advice columns or blogs, there's one piece of advice that you're sure to see – ‘communicate’. However, this is not always easy. Most people have their own insecurities, hang-ups and triggers, and sex is a particularly loaded topic. No one wants to think of themselves as bad in bed, after all.

Managed properly, sexual communication is one of the best ways to build a bond with your lover. It's something unique that only the two of you share. It's a sexy secret and a benefit of being in a loving relationship. While you may feel embarrassed, if you know someone well enough to have sex, you also know them well enough to talk about it: truly sharing your body with a lover also entails sharing your mind.

All too often, sexual communication is about sharing negative experiences: “I don't like the way you touch my breasts,” or “I don't want to have sex tonight.” However, by making sexual communication a natural part of your relationship, you can balance this negativity with compliments, Tell your lover when they arouse you. If you find yourself reminiscing about a particularly hot time together, fondly tell your lover. After you try something new in the bedroom, ask your lover if it was enjoyable, and share your own feelings about the experience. By genuinely praising your lover's prowess on a regular basis, you'll help them feel less defensive when you try to hone or correct their less pleasurable explorations.

"You can also turn sexual communication into a fun foreplay game."

You can also turn sexual communication into a fun foreplay game. Take it in turns to play 'scholar' and 'learner' and give your lover a practical demonstration of where and how you like to be touched. Let your lover practice, steering their way, and once they've pleasured you in the way that you most enjoy, reward your lover by swapping roles and paying attention to their lesson. There's no reason you can't make a sexy lesson a weekly part of your life – or indeed, every night if you're suitably inspired.

Don't think all communication has to involve talking either. You could write your lover an erotic story detailing exactly what you'd like to do (don't go too wild if it's the first time you're sharing fantasies – gauge your lover's reaction first). You could send your partner a sexy text, asking a saucy question to garner a response. You could slip an old-fashioned love letter into your partner's pocket or try cybersex together. Even if you're simply in two rooms of the same house, the distance created can help make it easier to open up: and who knows, you could make your fantasies realities if you communicate effectively enough.

Remember, sexual communication goes both ways. You need to listen to your partner as much as you teach, and share your own preferences as openly as you expect your partner to share theirs. Be honest about your needs and desires and you're much more likely to get the sex, and relationship that you really want.